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i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now? 
parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day
The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...
Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...
We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.
I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.
I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.
Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."
If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not
Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!
I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?
Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."
I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)
Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?
If Monday hd a face......I would knock the $h!t out of it!!!
The only people mad at you for speaking the truth! Are those living a lie!!!
I will not chase you after anyone anymore!.......If you walk out of my life, I'll hold the F-N door open for you!!! 