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bring back always on schedule never on time 
I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?
Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.
Nice lips. When will you be closing them?
Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.
I bet Tequila flavored condoms would be a huge hit in Mexico. Vodka for Russia and Burgers with Fries for the U.S.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.
Theres nothing quite as annoying as drunk fat girls.
hey lady, why don't you undress and show us your talent?
Doctor, Doctor give me the news I gotta bad case of OBAMA blues.
Husseincare is unconstitutional
Thief injustice Benedict Arnold Roberts
The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.
Percentage of my texts that include the phrase "LOL" - 75% . Percentage of times I'm actually laughing out loud- 0.001%
Take your time, because relationships that start fast, end fast.
To the jerk that has been stealing everyone's lunch from the company refridgerator, I sprinkled just the right amout of marijuana and cocaine on that sandwhich of mine you just ate, to fail that suprise drug test that is coming tomorrow! Karma Baby!!!
If the world was really going to end wouldn't all the expiration dates be set for December 23rd or whatever day it is. 