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"The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru. 
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.
If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters.
The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"
I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.
Today is one of those days you want to crank the AC down to 68 and watch Braveheart.
I'm guessing sex when you're 80 and up is like playing pool with a rope.
Thank goodness I can now re-read yesterday's posts on page one...
Some peoples glasses are half full, some are half empty but mine is cracked and leaking valuable water
It's so hot I witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on my dead lawn.
My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
My life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..
A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.
Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo.
Paddy found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police."Hello I think there's a bomb in my sandwich""Okay, is it tickin" the police man replied"No" paddy said. "I think its tuna".
I couldn't believe it when my missus called me lazy today.And this is coming from someone who has to sit down to have a piss. 