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Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave... 
Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.
do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?
Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...
7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter
You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.
Some days I'm in control... and some days I'm allllll back of the bus 'n sh*t.
Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.
I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.
To win without risk is to triumph without glory.
It's National No Bra Day! Except for you fat lady!
IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.
Hey get the joke right, it should be: The Dali lama walks into a pizza joint the cashier says can I help you and the Dali says make me one with everything,
If you hear a loud scream followed by crying, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.
Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.
" well The ghost writer of ghost rider is the ghost rider from ghost rider is the ghost writer from ghost rider."-nicholas cage when asked who writes his movies
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