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Tell me to calm down one more time. I dare you!I double dare you! 
If my dog could open beer bottles I'd probably dump my girlfriend
My Indian stripper name is Dances With Daddy Issues.
I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.
I don't know what's wrong with me and it's too expensive to find out.
Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.
The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.
You find love when you're not looking for it, and you can't find it when you really want to. It's sh!t like this that makes me drink.
If you ignore me, I'll ignore your posters when your cat goes missing. Mostly because your cat and I will be too busy playing in my basement
OK... This Addiction with raking has got to stop,,,, If you pick up that rake again,,, I'm leafing....
"Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid
It's very dangerous to tweet and drive; you may end up with TYPOS!
I think of some of your Facebook st@tus upd@tes during sex just so I can last longer.
if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you.
Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a b!tch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"
I like to get behind something I totally believe in. I believe I'll have another doggy style.
Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My inner child just bit me.
Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.
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