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If you are living your life without giving a 'F', you are only living a LI[ ]E. 
Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!..........Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie!!!
☑Hockey mask ☑Machete ☑Sexually-irresponsible campers Let's roll...
Why do you date girls that look like men? Why not just date a man?
Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.
Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.
I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!
Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.
My sons argue n fight all day n never share. Y'all shared a womb and before that a sack now you can't share a friggin bag of chips ugggghh
Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!
Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...
I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.
It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.
That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!
Got bit by a spider.......Now I got to go find a skyscraper to climb.
so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....
“Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “
I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.
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