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When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack." 
I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Why don't you slip into something nice like a ______________
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!
When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious
I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.
Stupid people aren't flammable enough.
I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon
Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us
In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D
Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.
There's so many of you I can see myself leaving my wife for. Luckily I made a list in case I ever get the chance. Thanks for being naughty
What? You mean human beings still have pubic hair? By choice?
I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
I'm beginning to think this "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the whole intercourse part.
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.
Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.
All you obese vegetarians ain't much of an advertisement for the cause, are ya?
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