Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!

   Life is like an ice-cream - enjoy it before it melts.

   3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.

   We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.

   Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.

   If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Morning wood should be renamed to "Try not to pee on the ceiling."

   I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.

   Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?

   If you expect a good comeback, come back later.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...