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A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year. 
In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.
Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.
I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.
Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!
OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks
Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.
it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?
Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?
Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".
I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed
Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.
I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.
Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi
I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*
Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....
Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...
Lets just reveal each other's baggage on the first date and decide whether this romance is even worth pursuing.
My misery loves vodka, and hates company.
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