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There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again. 
If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?
You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.
I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.
My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach
Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.
If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.
I blame poor bus stop signage for at least half of my solicitation arrests.
Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!
She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.
It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number
I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.
When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.
Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.
Body Shots: There's a slut for that.
What do you get if you cross a dog, a mini skirt & crotchless pants? I know I'd get an erection & it's a safe bet the dog's getting it too.
Girls are so cute when they think that those fake eye lashes don't make them look like complete idiots
my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see
I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you 