Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!

   I just had sober sex. That was horrifying

   How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   A perfect day is everyday I'm spending my life without you.

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   Yeah he is soldier built for the COKE VS PEPSI war.

   This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.

   I'd give you a compliment but you'd just tell me how fat you think you are.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.