Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Isaac flood waters? The French Quarter.

   Hurricane Isaac . Just like Obama, promises so much, but when it's time to get down and dirty, fails to deliver.

   The East Nile virus is apparently not as deadly or notorious?

   what does hurricane Isaac and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow anything on the west coast just to get on tv...

   I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.

   Meteorology: The Exact Science Of Guesswork

   This "friend" on FB keeps posting pics of herself and her boyfriend making out. Can someone here provide me with an alibi for tomorrow night?

   I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   Even if incase the moon landing episode was fake... You have to give Neil Armstrong credit for planting an American flag somewhere, without killing anyone.

   Snooki named her baby Lorenzo because she couldn't spell Heineken

   Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...

   I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!

   If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.