Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.