Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else's saved game.

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   "Fix You". One of my favourite Coldplay songs. Please don't sing it tonight though!

   no letters were harmed in the making of this status update....okay, maybe the letter E's got stabbed but they had it coming....

   Flying free & wrecklesly, Til someone picked up the fly swatter!

   Rub her the wrong way and she'll scream AT you. Rub her the right way and she'll scream FOR you!

   If drinking tequila straight from the bottle is wrong, then I'm the wrongest person at this church service.

   Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   In the words of Mike Tyson, "I am gonna **** this Monday until it loves me"

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year.