Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.

   i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.

   In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating

   First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination.

   i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

   Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you.

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight

   How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?

   I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Man: What would you do if I win the lotto? Wife: I will take half and leave you! Man: Here is your $7 now F off

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.