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makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am. 
The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut
dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...
Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys
BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.
Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing?
My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.
Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?
I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.
Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right
I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.
they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.
Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...
You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference
It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.
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