Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!

   if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...

   Before you judge me,.. make sure your perfect!

   Don't feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness

   On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.