Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!

   When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.

   Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

   Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   Made a voodoo doll of myself and sucked its d!ck. Now I wait.....

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   She is so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isnt a judgemental cu$t like you..

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster