Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Rihanna isn't the prettiest girl around but I'd hit it...

   Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   In Honor Of Tonight's Debate, I Will Be Making "Obama Rolls".... They Consist Of A lot Of Hot Air, And Full Of Sh*t!

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   Evil. I see it. I hear it. I speak it. Your reactions are my entertainment.