Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Big mouths overcompensate for small minds.

   My happiness is sinful; my sadness is fruitful. My existence is questioned.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   Real Music died in the early 90's.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   As a man I accomplish 2 things well, 1. Fix things 2. Piss women off for trying to fix everything

   I just went outside and I'm completely swarmed by jobs. All over me. Can't get them off.......Help

   If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....

   I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.

   If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

   What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned

   haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

   you can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you… *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*

   I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.