Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.

   If you look up Shizzle in the dictionary you'll find a picture of me pondering what kind of an idiot would look up Shizzle in a dictionary.

   You know you're married to a goddamn redneck when you're making chicken gizzards and hog jowl for supper.

   C'mon babe, just let me put the tip in once or five hundred and sixty seven times! There. Fixed it.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.

   Has anyone seen my shake weight?

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching

   Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.

   I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.