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Canada is the gay brother of English-speaking countries. 
If you're a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.
You can learn a lot about a person if you install a hidden camera in their bedroom.
My back is killing me from picking up all these chicks.
If your car looks like a cop car... YOU ARE VERY MUCH A DOUCHEBAG!!
Ladies, the third outfit you try on is always our favourite because we just want all this torture and torment to end.
Ladies; Do you get more jealous when your boyfriend talks to someone prettier than you or someone smarter/clever than you?
Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I'm in 3rd.
If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.
There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.
It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.
I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.
16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.
If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.
I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.
Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.
If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.
My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk. 