Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??

   I'm not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB...

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   • The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall.

   No one cares about your gas prices but you, California; you aren't a swing state…

   I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute

   My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.

   I hope Taylor Swift gets her period soon and starts writing songs everyone over 9 will like…

   Your knees are too clean for you to be a good girlfriend.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   If you're a Russian guy, I'm just going to refer to you as Ivan. Or Victor. Don't bother telling me what your name really is, I don't care.

   I hide my vodka in orange juice

   Baby, I will give you complete attention and totally listen to you about your day, as long as you're completely naked.