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The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest. 
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804
When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months
I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?
Cop: Can you explain 2 me why you were doing 87 in a 60 zone? Me: I was haulin a$$ home to watch "Cops".
I watched a great puppet show last week. I think it was called The American Presidential debates or something
There's always that one person you regret giving your number to.
As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.
I am The King of Sting & The Master of Disaster !
I've got an Erection with a Direction .!.
Mmmmm. . .pi.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates - Jay Leno
Wish MTV would make a show called "16 and mature"
There's plenty of fish in the sea. Build an aquarium...
30 years ago my wife got a tattoo of a horse head on her boob, it now looks like a giraffe
She put me in the family zone, which would be cool if we were in Kentucky.
I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ 