Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   I must be a good driver. Some scraggly looking guy on the side of the road just gave me a thumbs up!

   love is like lottery numbers....gotta keep finding the crappy ones before you get the good ones

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   Cats do not make good pets. If you die, your cat will eat you…

   The Mich St/Indiana winner gets “The old brass spittoon”. I'm pretty sure Indiana lost on purpose…

   Whenever I see someone driving a Kia, I give them lots of room as I can tell they make poor decisions…

   "Yes, black guys. We feel you." - fat white girls

   Heard a song by Stevie Wonder on the radio. My wife said "I'd like to see Stevie". I replied "He would, too."

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.

   If at first you don't succeed, reward yourself with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cake.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..

   Silence is always better than a crappy joke.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.