Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   I really thought my business as a professional cat fight promoter would've taken off by now. Maybe I should use women instead of actual cats…

   Starbuck really isn't that expensive, compared to what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   I will never ever take my Black ass cave exploring. I watched The Descent.

   Look, we can't all be part of the problem. Get your own thing.

   Scientists have developed a new drug for henpecked men. It's called Growacet…

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?

   Idiots are God's leftovers.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   Anybody wanna go halfsies on a prostitute?

   I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone.

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself