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it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery? 
I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.
I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.
you remind me of monday. No one likes it either.
I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm.
My 1 year old is an absolutely terrible waitress. Food is everywhere and my beer is unopened.
Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.
Remember when I loved you unconditionally? Well the terms of that arrangement have changed.
You know you've had a bad day when you die.
I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.
If he asks me to marry him that means he doesn't want to have sex anymore, right?
If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.
There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.
If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.
I prefer to drink in the comfort of my own home where I can yell and scream at the ones I love in peace and quiet.
Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.
I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.
Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?
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