Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   it's finally time to put the coffee away!! Cheers :)

   thinks that you're an X-Large fruit basket.

   ..... YUP ....... Back my day .... computer technology used to be a lot tougher than it is now....... Heck I remember when mice had balls.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   Axe Body Spray needs a seasonal pumpkin spice scent to drive the ladies crazy.

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

   After he stops crying, can I try again, I promise I can juggle babies.

   when I run out of toilet paper i'll awkwardly sit there and hope the toilet paper gods on his way

   what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear

   I think it was suppose to be Honey Poo Poo instead of Honey boo boo. Because clearly thats where tv is headed, down the pooper.

   wondering if anyone knows of an easier way to get mothballs? So dang hard getting their little legs apart ;)

   hates how I run out of toilet paper.. but never out of poop

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.

   Biden said what Ryan was saying is “malarkey” before getting in his horseless buggy to head home…