Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.

   Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.

   I won't tell you how long I believed girls peed out of their butts, but it was well past the age where it was considered normal.

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged

   We are all just exchanging witty dialogue in the hopes of exchanging bodily fluids.

   I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   Love sucks. True love swallows.

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   Maybe one side of the V-shape is longer than the other because geese have retards too in their flock.

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !

   You're as useless as the G in Lasagna

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!