Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Honey I Shrunk The Kids And The Dog Has Worms So I Put The Kids In His Bum And Gave Them Knives To Go Worm Hunting

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   There's no premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.