Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   until Obama or Romney can name every flavor of ramen noodles I dont wanna hear s h!t about how they can relate to me and the struggle.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....