Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   If you call yourself hot, you're not

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.

   Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic.

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.