Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   If it doesn't kill you, kill it before it tries again!

   You never see zombies in wheelchairs.

   Tonight, I'm gonna party like I have $19.99.

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!

   I'm going as drunk homeless girl for Halloween, because no costume needed and I can pass out on the neighbors lawn with no questions asked.

   I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!