Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!

   my moral compass is whichever direction my d ick points

   Door shoppoing is harder than I thought. They all have knobs in the glory hole...

   this year, I'm giving out pizza delivery coupons. Who wouldn't want a free 2 liter or 2 mediums for the price of one??

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?

   I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...

   I invented some cologne called come to me, does it smell like come to you

   Dear sleep , I kow we had problems when I was younger but I love you now.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Carmel covered onions. Halloween is fun.

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   You're not a loser because you're covered in tattoos. You're covered in tattoos because you're a loser…

   Got home from work,, The Athlete in me said go bike 10 miles, but then the Couch Potato in me said, kick back, have a drink and turn on the boob tube.....