Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   The only thing missing from a guy that goes home alone from the bar every night is confidence.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   I wonder if that b!tch ever moved out of Ludacris's way

   YouTube or Pornhub wont pull up on my phone this morning. This is my own personal Oregon Trail.

   Pooping twice is on my "two doo" list.

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   I think I ate to much, I dont mean right now. Just in general.

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.