Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   an hour back for daylight savingss ?? well good.... atleast the clock in my car will finally be right again.

   Too sick to get out of bed, the batteries in the remote control died while channel surfing, and now the TV is stuck on a SpongeBob SquarePants marathon. Oh death, where is thy sting?

   Maury needs to lock the Door so those Chicks can't run backstage.. Face it bithc

   I have a gardener that'll do pretty much anything you ask of him. It's like having your own Personal Jesus

   Show me where you were kissed from a rose so I know it's Seal

   I am the type of guy who will not hesitate to tell a midget to grow up!

   I'm the type of guy who would block fire exits. Because sometimes Natural selection needs to be nudged along.

   I love watching all the fish in my tank suck in the same piece of fish shi t and then spitting it out, thinking it was food.

   "Marijuana is a gateway drug." Yeah, a gateway to fun.

   Went on a date and didn't have sex. Now I know what the rest of you feel like.

   No I'm not playing with it. - What I have to tell my wife every time I'm in the shower.

   You call it a train wreck I call her my daughter.

   Let's get married, make babies, argue about money & yell hurtful things at each other while praying for a way out. That's real love baby!

   I just taught my alarm clock how to fly.

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.

   If you come to me looking for advice, then let's just start out with your poor judgment of whom to go to for advice, shall we?

   I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.

   A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her

   Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.