Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   To err is human... To not know what err means is American.

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

   I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.