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The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad. 
If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.
If you're 13 & under & have a Twitter, that's cheating. You have to start from Myspace ---> Facebook ---> Twitter. Just like everybody else.
The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.
Holiday Shoppers are rude and dangerous......Unless I wear a suit and say I am a lawyer!
Dear Department Store Bathroom Cleaner: Please use less WAX. When I go to the bathroom I am really not in the mood for doing the splits......
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to you?
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.
The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast, it sound just like "Merry Christmas"..
Quick turn on the news!!! 2 car pile up in Arizona..288 Mexicans were killed.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.
I don't think I could ever stab someone...I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun!
Just spent the better part of my Saturday morning yelling at this midget to get out of my yard... before finally realizing it was just a garden gnome.
If you Happy and you know it thank your ex
What do you mean sex with no strings attached, how else am I gonna tie that ass up?
Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman
I'm the reason they lock up expensive liquor!
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