Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   thinks it is always a good idea to know someone's giving-to-receiving ratio before dating them.

   Mowing the grass on December 1st. Like every year, I'm having a green Christmas.

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   breaking news from ESPN. Javon Belcher listed as doubtful for tomorrow's game vs. Carolina

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.

   likes The Walking Dead, but there is way too much character development and not enough character devourment.

   doesn't get why sex is often referred to as 'sleeping with someone'. Do it right and neither one of you will be getting much sleep that night.

   in a honeymoon stage with his tablet. The two of us were made for each other. It makes me laugh, makes me cry and the two of us don't play games with each other... unless you count Frogger.

   My Christmas card this year is going to be a photo of a me in a recliner drinking a beer while watching football. It will say "Happy Holidays from a single guy."

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   GOP today: Dems never get serious abuot spending. GOP in 2011: The spending cuts we got Ds to agree to were major concessions.

   If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......

   Sarcasm 2012 style "Why don't you Gangnam style your way off the nearest cliff?"

   Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap