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Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE! 
A man's phone is like a woman's purse. .. you never go through it.
How many Mexicans does it take to build a.........oh shi*, they're done.
The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.
If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.
Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off
A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!
Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.
Facebook friends are like Congress in that everyone is an expert on subjects and no one is willing to compromise their views.
My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!
The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.
Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Money does not change people it only shows their true character whether being generous or selfish
Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.
NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.
My teacher gave me an F today on my paper, because she said the Bible wasn't a reliable source
I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year
Every day is only a beer away from being a good one 