Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.

   I love tequila because I like where I wake up to be a surprise.

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.

   I'm not the one to come to with weight problems. This girl's like, 'My legs are so fat.' I say, 'No, they're in proportion to your arms'

   My ex-wife said she was getting fat, had wrinkles and look old… So I said “But your eyesight is perfect”

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.

   I "don't lock my phone," love you.

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   Don't mistake post sex cuddling for “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   I'm bored. I think I'll get pregnant.