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Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too." 
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'
Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!
I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"
Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.
Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ
guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!
I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night
Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!
You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.
FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh
What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?
I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten
I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99
Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.
Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.
JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?
I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens 