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Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room. 
I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.
My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.
A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.
There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.
I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
an intelligent carbon based lifeform.
"Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki
if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
wonders if dogs do it human style
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!
Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."
You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.
Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.
at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work
Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him
Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood
Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick 