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I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane. 
An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.
He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up
College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.
I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)
so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...
On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.
the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in
FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer
my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...
my underwear is kinda half- assing it today
Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now.
The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.
I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.
When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.
If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people. 