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The vastness that is the universe is within everyone's grasp, if they but only have the vision to see beyond its infinite yet attainable horizons.(I wanted to see how full of it I could get) 
Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.
I took some deer antler extract once. Made me horny...
Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"
has an easy solution for anyone who hasn't been laid in a long time - conjugal visits.
There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....
So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?
pick up line of the day: thank you for being absolutely beautiful.
Women cant play football, well because no women like wearing the same outfit as other females!
Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.
Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.
The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...
I slept so hard last night the Geico caveman was under me when I woke up...
why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??
Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.
People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce... 