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Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it. 
I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!
I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no shows but I still had a great time!
I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!
WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.
I am always confused when I see a status message that isn't about me.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
"i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"
Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,
every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...
If Ron Jeremy can suck his own d!ck, he can survive a stupid heart aneurism.
so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!
Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...
Fair play to Beckham for giving his wages to a children's charity, but lets not forget Rooney has been giving his to the elderly for years.
If you're skinny already why the heck are you trying to diet ? What are you trying to lose ? Your life ?
With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.
once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less. 