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Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone. 
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
#TeamSingle,.. Being Single Isn't A Team You Are ALONE
I bet Mickey's Mom said "Go to your basement!"
some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase "If I had a dollar", I'd be as rich as I wanted to be...and boring to talk to...if I had a dollar.
You call it blacking out. I call it a booze nap.
A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Celebrating black history month by not pulling my pants up.
I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.
Keep it down kids....Aunt Minnie is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...
Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...
how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?
Eating generic fruit loops is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....
Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.
Bought a pack of air the other day. Guess what... There were Chips inside
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.
The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs. 