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My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her. 
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.
The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.
Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?
Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...
Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something
Theres no I in team....but there is in TIM, because Carllos calls him "Teem"!
My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday. 