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In honor of Black History Month... I plan to leave my kids and quit my job. 
I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.
stairs are always up to something...
If you can read this, you're not having sex either.
if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, then have we found the perfect location for a nickelback concert
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.
New study finds sex with condoms just as satisfying as without. Had Kanye West known this…
Lady Gaga wants her perfume to smell like blood & semen. If I wanna smell blood & semen I’ll punch Clay Aiken in the mouth!
The search for Friday night is followed much too quickly by the discovery of Monday morning.
Awake √ breathing √ blessed √ Thankful √. God is good
I would like to give a huge shout out to all the baby mommas that got or will git all that tax money this year Holla.........
all I want for my birthday is a big booty call
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....
Would someone please stop the earth from spinning? I'd like to get off.
I miss complaining about the summer heat.
The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.
Awkward is when you're dancing with a girl and she bends over so you can grind it, then realize she dropped an earring and no one in the Starbucks can hear your iPod but you...
When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.
My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face. 