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I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich... 
A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.
I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??
Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.
I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.
"No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
The funnest thing about the end of a relationship is being honest about why you pretended to love each other.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am
My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...
The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.
"I need you to understand something that I can never explain." ~ Heart to brain.
Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.
Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.
Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"
Subway's sub of the month should be black forest ham...
It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."
I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!
My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.
If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.
Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves. 