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I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A 
I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!
Cat + Laser = Loss of bladder control
What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.
The Daytona 500 is today. In related news, I'll be watching mold grow on some bread.
a dentist and a manicurist had a fight. it was quite a battle,in fact they fought tooth and nail.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome
The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: No. I just lay there.
My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..
Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!
doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active
Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.
I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...
A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.
Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ
They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting. 