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Now there is some minister in Missouri setting up a "toy" gun buyback program.. I'm sure all the old folks are gonna be happy this summer when they are spared from being victimized by random squirt gun fire.... 
"the artist formerly known as Pope."
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."
I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black
What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches
congratulations to trayvon martin -exactly a year today staying out of trouble
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you'd be a fool not to.
Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?
I'm so hungry I could eat an Ikea meatball.
Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad
My signature move is learning the hard way.
The Defense in this women's football team looks like it has a lot of holes to fill.
Loneliness can make you do some strange people.
Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.
I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.
It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.
Want to be a rebel? THINK.
Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.
How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."
I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks. 